Why I behave in the ways I do.

I recently had a dream where a person I have never actually spoken to but ran into several times at a bar gave me a truth bomb about my personality flaws and sincerity and it was very odd, because in the dream I took to Facebook as if I needed to explain to him the reasons I can't be straight up honest at all times. There are several reasons why I have certain facades and it boils down to two things I will explain, one is the loss of privacy. I've had many instances where I don't feel like I have the privacy necessary to recuperate from being exposed and it creates a mania within my mind that I have to unpack a bit. The other reason is I've advanced quite a bit in intelligence to more of a priesthood level where I peruse other's intellectual opinions with objectivity and never tell them, because who wants me to jump in and show them the errors of their way unless they truly are asking of it from me.

So to get to the first topic, issues of privacy have wreaked havoc on my mind, from big brother to messages I receive from musicians that may or may not be directed at me but I internalize nonetheless. It's taken years of diligent work to regain my own bedroom, to sleep in it with all the lights off for the benefits of being well-rested, all because I am not sure how my input or output into the Internet and the world at large is being interpreted and who the people reading or observing truly are. I've had to know my audience in extremely intimate ways because of concern about their judgments of me.

When I overhear people criticizing or discussing in a discriminatory way even if it's about someone else and I know that, I take it to heart. The biggest mistake Trump ever made to me was to mock a disabled reporter because I feel for disabled people seeing that and internalizing that as a reason not to socialize or participate in this democracy when someone like Trump could care less about their minds but more about a physical or mental abnormality. The reasons this is a privacy issue is that I take all my actions under a microscope in the ways in which people could interpret them, or could see me even if I am behind the four walls of my house.

So when I receive messages criticizing anyone that could resemble me or having the characteristics of someone like me I have to take it to heart and internalize and analyze it as if the only way to have complete privacy is to possess complete perfection even though right now saying that, it's not how my mind works, that's not the reasons I ever had to begin with because I was angry that someone could get mocked, so it wasn't about perfection but now that I look back it happens to be about perfection because how could someone mock a behavior that's been polished to a degree unheard of. It's basically completely invisible to them and that's the super power I was aiming for.

Whether or not it's a delusional or psychiatric problem to do this, I've escaped examination because I am aware of their megalomaniac judgements and how to act or pretend that I don't possess those characteristics. That's how my brain has been programmed. I didn't always know what it was up to or why I did that, I just did it. Which feeds into the second topic of intelligence and how using the words "stupid" or "idiot" have been purposely erased from my vocabulary.

The only thing stupid and idiotic in this world to me, is a bit like when Pinocchio is granted his wish and joins delinquents in the pursuit of becoming real. This pagan and strange obnoxious attitude is the primary ingredient that stalls sensitive people from growing. Which is why I will go out of my way to display the environment a sensitive person needs to be heard. When this callous energy comes around it's a horrible feeling, that we deal with all the time especially just turning on American television. So in anyone's attempt at having a perception to show their intelligence I am going to observe without judgment because I don't know their "crowd" and what they expect out of it.

So yeah, it's pretty damn intelligent and priest like and I've had two decades to create it. I wish I could impart my wisdom at all times, but people have some pretty stubborn attitudes to anyone that appears to have a sense of "authority" or well built understanding of their opinions that they are proud of. So the only time I ever jump in is when I know the speaker and his message suffered from the deliverance and it wasn't appreciated. That's the only invitation I ever get to explain the wisdom I know about their well conspired opinion that didn't go over well or as planned.

I can unpack thousands upon thousands of thoughts and ideas I went through to explain what I just said, but I don't have to, because a lot of my long term acquaintances understand that this is what I am about.

So in response to the guy in my dream giving me a truth bomb about the facade I had, it's an illusion and not who I really am, because I can't immediately trust all to know my intimate sensitivities.

Thank you,

James Colby